


Saudade

by hisanatomy



Category: Shane (Video Blogging RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: AU: Andrew sees stuff and they happen, And Garrett is doing a masters on entology bc that sounds like him tbh, Andrew is a med student ok, Hope yall can handle the pain?, Im just a giant nerd and i like them, M/M, Slow Burn, This is for sure a
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-18 09:01:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18117590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hisanatomy/pseuds/hisanatomy
Summary: Andrew Siwiki has never been normal, no matter how much he wanted to. Living a life where most of the major events that happened in it have been shown to him before they happened led him to a routine that lacked surprise and excitement.After having another of his visions just before the semester starts Andrew is stuck on bad seasonal depression when he forces himself to get out and start living again. That's when he meets Garrett Watts at a cafe and the man makes him laugh for what felt like the first time in weeks.Can this man show Andrew there's a lot more to learn and feel in life by showing him how amazing the period between the present and the future can be.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> sau·da·de  
> /souˈdädə/  
> noun  
> noun: saudade; plural noun: saudades  
> 1\. a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia that is supposedly characteristic of the Portuguese or Brazilian temperament
> 
>  
> 
> Saudade is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return.

**ANDREW SIWIKI** was a man of rules. And a man of routines. He woke up early, brushed his teeth, made a mental note to clean that dirty mirror later - one day he'll get to it! -, then he took a cold shower to get his metabolism going, stretched for a while, ate a banana, sat on his couch and admired the view in his window. 

He didn't have the greatest view but that wasn't the point. This was an exercise, a moment to breathe in the nice summer air, appreciate how the trees and the streets and the dorm-buildings completely transformed when they were slowly illuminated by sunlight. That was a sort of challenge he created for himself: to try to appreciate the nice little things, the ones that were the same but completely unique every day, the things his brain wouldn't predict. The shade of green on the trees after the sun was up reminded him of bright colors he used to associate with 'hope' in kindergarten when the teacher would ask them to correlate colors and feelings. He decided this is what a happy and satisfied life felt like. The past good months were good ones and he was fine. It was important to remind himself of that. 

Which is why his routine was so important. It was working. After that he would go to a run and keep his exercise going, appreciating all the small things he could find while he ran for miles in the summer morning. You can imagine Andrew was pretty mad that it had to happen during that. Not only breaking his routine but also shattering his 'happy days streak'. In fact, Andrew was livid. 

He was in the middle of his route, good speed, haven't even built up a lot of sweat yet, the trees looked nice, the birds were chirping and doing whatever birds do, the weather was comfortable. Running so early gave him the tracks all for himself, it felt like a privilege. He could think clearly and stay optimistic. The semester was going to start soon and his mind was buzzing with all the exciting opportunities that would come with it. That was one of the best parts of his "Happy Life", he wasn't worrying about the wrong things, he could have the luxury of looking forward to what was coming, to be surprised about things. His only worry was that crazy brain of his would ruin the surprise for him. Of course that's exactly when it happens.

His mind played tricks on him - annoyingly, it was a common feeling -, his vision went in and out of focus, he started getting tachycardic and then felt and remembered events that had never happened - well not yet. 

It's how it always started. A glimpse here and there. 

Warm hands touch him in the cold - he isn't cold, wasn't it July? 

Shaking the dizziness off he keeps running, trying to focus and then... The itch of a beard lurks his neck. Wasn't he alone? That's why he liked running at nearly unreasonable early hours right? 

Out of habit he tries his best to brush it off, he always did, no matter how useless it was. He always tried to forget. Ignore. Think of something else. Do his best to concentrate on those comfortable words: "Nose. Pharynx. Larynx. Trachea...”. It calmed him down but did little to nothing to stop what was happening. He repeated the mantra, over and over, until his entire mind was taken over. 

All he saw was white and all he heard was white noise and the memory — No, the vision... Wait. That isn't right either... It was an excruciating glimpse into the future that made him feel things he shouldn't be feeling at the moment and turned him into a helpless creature. That sounded better — took over his entire mind. And then, he was lost.

 _He was losing everything. It was like he was held at gunpoint and forced to let go, forced to go on opposite paths from everything he loved. A pen is being exchanged for a notebook, fingers brush - just a ghost of contact - and it felt familiar. He dwells about how warm those hands touching him are for a moment. They made him comfortable, he was very fond of those hands. The exchanged gifts were meant to be "something to remember", It was clear they would never forget each other but they had to have something to hold on to, an anchor, a souvenir meant to bring back the good memories just from a glance while it brought the sting of loss at the same time - he was sure there was a word for this -, and they knew it would hurt, but it was what they needed and more importantly, what they wanted._

_He figured then that worse than never being loved or wanted is the constant reminder that he was actually loved and wanted, all at the same time, but lost all of it. He tasted that privilege. He also decided that worse was the sensation of not wanting to be loved or wanted by anyone else, because he was selfish and didn't want anything to spoil what he had - used to have, he was losing that right now -, because he was scared it wouldn't be the same, it wouldn't be as intense or it simply wouldn't work. It hurt like hell and the pressure of those big arms wrapped around him were doing more damage than good. It didn't help to be held by someone for comfort if you couldn't stop thinking it was the last time, it didn't help to love the feeling of being so close if you knew you would be forced to let go. This was a goodbye and he hated it._

_The beard itching on his neck had become a welcomed sensation that he was used to and wanted to keep for ages. The hot breath on his ear was burning, saying things he couldn't process because hope felt like the most useless feeling in the universe and he couldn't worry about half-assed solutions like "face-timing" when all he wanted to do was hold on forever, right there, until the world ended. It was so overwhelming he ended up feeling weird, ashamed. Something in his mind screamed "This isn't supposed to be like this", and then he is letting go. Casually. Now he is uncomfortable, his mind tells him what he is feeling is unjustified. This moment should be private and theirs and a public display of it looks wrong and stupid. He was the loser and he should settle for nothing. Because there's nothing to do. And it honestly feels like there's nothing to come. He was leaving... He left._

The noise in his ears is still painfully present, he hopes that's the only thing making him dizzy. Andrew's arms are wrapped tight around himself and they must have been like this for a while judging by the pain on his finger joints when he slowly stretches them out. He still hasn't built up the courage to open his eyes, scared the world is grey and sad now, just like his vision. 

Andrew stands still for a while, fixes his posture. Breathes in and out, intoning his mantra while doing so. He raises his hands up to his face to press his palms against it, it's wet. He knows it's from the tears but hopes it's raining even thought it was a sunny summer morning, clear blue sky and everything. 

When he finally has the courage to open his eyes, he feels worse. The sky was still blue, the tracks were still empty, the trees still looked beautiful, the birds were still doing their thing, chirping and everything. He was the only one that had changed. 

His clothes were soaking wet from sweat, his eyes were red, his nose was running, his articulations were aching and his mind was a huge ball of confusion and excruciating feelings. He had no desire to untangle that and was honestly afraid to. He felt heavy, like gravity on earth went up at least 3x its usual and was pushing him down. 

Andrew walks back home. And those feel like the worst miles of his life. Every detail he picks up on is a reason for him to feel more sad or annoyed instead of happy. The complete 180º turn his mood took is not lost for him, but there's nothing he can do it about aside from feeling it. And he hated it. 

He would always get those visions out of nowhere and get stuck with the aftermath for a while until it was out of his system. Then he had to try to piece himself back together only for that very event he lived on his vision to happen on his present life and send him back to dwell on it one more time. 

He wanted peace and quiet and a normal brain and he thought he had managed to finally, finally, get that when he spent over three months without any visions. That was his hope. He thought he had broken that precious part of his brain that tortured him every few weeks when he hit his head four months ago and stopped seeing the fucking future. He made a routine, he planned things, he was excited! 

Now he just wanted to crawl in bed and hide. This was a bad one.


	2. Butterbeer Frappuccino

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Revised on 26/03/2019 by my great and very critical friend, Tony.   
> Hope you guys enjoy. Chapter 2 coming soon!

**FEW THINGS** brought joy into Garret Watt's life.

Okay, _a lot of things_ brought joy into Garrett's life. He was really proud of being the kind of person who never failed to enjoy the moment and could see the bright side of every situation. So there were many, many things that could bring him happiness and he believed his life was made easier every day because of that.

But there were a few things that gave him that extra spark of glee. If he had to list them, they would go like this: Marvel movies, strong female performances in films, making his friends laugh, very specific types of arachnids and, mostly, Harry Potter.

The book series by J. K. Rowling has been with him for the majority of his life and have impacted him deeply enough to influence the shaping of at least 50% of his extroverted, kind and joyful personality — yes, he is a Hufflepuff, and proud. It had come to the degree where he carried a wand with him at times just so he could feel like a wizard ready for anything. Some people would definitely find that embarrassing, for him, it was just part of who he was and he would say it was a damn nice part. 

Now, this, among many other reasons, was exactly why he had been standing on this Starbucks line for over 15 minutes, even risking getting late for his Taxonomic Entomology class. He was certainly not gonna run to class if he got held up here for much longer, not in this heat. And he was starting to see the problem with all of this since he realized he was putting this thing in a higher position than his academic life in his priority list.

In Garrett's mind, that made sense. Ever since he heard something about a Butterbeer Frappuccino the week before, his mind made sure to keep that in his thoughts consistently. Which made him more and more obsessed with the idea. He kept dwelling on the possibility of the drink existing and then on the possibility of tasting it.

He even went online to get the recipe for it and ended up coming across other Harry Potter themed drinks on what they called _Starbuck's Secret Menu_. And then, he was even more curious and eager about all of this. About these possibilities. So, there he was, at 2 pm on a scalding hot summer afternoon, waiting in line to get his Harry Potter drink. His friends would roll their eyes so hard at him. 

It was almost his turn to order, ten more minutes had passed by and he was relieved that — according to his calculations — he would manage to get to class in time. What didn't bring him a lot of relief was the sudden rush of anxiety he felt when it was his turn to order.

The feeling was a sadly common thing for Garrett. Because he was a very joyful, goofy, extroverted guy, he liked doing and saying things most people would find silly. Which earned him judgmental looks, scoffs, eye rolls and other not very positive reactions that — despite _his_ positive reaction — he never missed.

There's only so many times you could laugh and smile after people made fun of you or didn't take you seriously before it actually got to you. Putting a mask with a smile and ignoring it, was like sweeping dust under the rug, so it all looked neat before guests arrived. He was very good at that.

"Good morning!" He was so into his head he was messing up what time of the day it was. Maybe no one would notice his little confusion there. They were busy. It was all good.

The cashier had dark hair that looked as good as it looked messy, he looked young, his name tag said "Joe" but Garrett thought he looked more like a "Nick", no particular reason for that, it was just what he thought. He imagined this was his first job and he decided that guy had a lot to learn about customer service. The guy wouldn't even look at him and judging by the sweat on his forehead and the way he kept shaking his leg, his guess was that the young man was tired and annoyed because of the movement they were having. Garrett's hopes were that he was tired enough to not notice his gaff back there.

"Its 2 pm." So much for not noticing

"Okay pal, let me tell you something: when you spend half of the night at this uni's lab getting nearly blind from looking into a telescope, it doesn't matter what time it is, if you just woke up, then _it's the morning_." That was funny enough right. It was good enough to get over this situation. He swears he heard a giggle from the guy waiting in line after him.

"Okay..." The cashier looked even more annoyed now, that certainly wasn't what he was aiming for. At all. He almost wanted to give up on this silly little thing of his. "What can we get you today?" He was impatient now. He really needed to learn about customer service.

"I, hm, my friend told me about this Harry Potter drink you guys have? Like, I guess it's not in the menu- Uh-" he was stuttering a little. "I was told I could just order a Butterbeer Frappuccino and you guys would know how to make it? If you don't, It's cool I have a recipe here and-"

"Ugh, you're one of those." there it was. The eye roll.

"Hey, uh- No, that was silly. You guys don't have this drink right?" he was a ball of anxiety that wouldn't stop babbling and moving his big and weird limbs in a weird way and he really wanted to get away now.

"Dude, we have the drink. You can order it. You want a Butterbeer Frappuccino right?"

"Yeah." And just like that, the smile on his face was back. "Okay, what size would you like. And can I get your name for the order?" No matter how uncomfortable this moment was, he couldn't miss this opportunity. He gushed a little before answering. "Make that a Grande and... Can you order under the name 'Cedric' please?".

The cashier rolled his eyes again while he wrote down his order. "Alright, that will be $4.45. Would you like anything else?"

"No, thank you so much!" Garrett paid for his drink. He was walking over to the counter to wait for it when he heard the guy that was behind him in the line ordering.

"Yeah, I'd like the same thing that other guy ordered actually. Tall. Under the name Weasley please."

The sigh that came out of Joe's - he honestly didn't look like a Joe - mouth was disgusting, the young man seemed to want to leave right there. What was up with that guy anyways, just quit your job if you're so unhappy. Go live your life. Damn. "You also want the Butterbeer Frappuccino? You serious?"

"Yes, can you write down my order or are you too busy rolling your eyes at customers?" The guy finally realized he was being a tool and changed his posture immediately.

"Sorry, sir. That'll be $3,95. Can I get you anything else?"

"Nope, that's all." Garrett watched the quick interaction with excitement. Was this cute — he just got the chance to actually look at him and he was really very, very cute - guy a Harry Potter fan too?

He made his way towards him and Garrett couldn't contain his excitement. As soon as he stopped next to him he eagerly asked "Hey you like Harry Potter too? What house are you in?"

The redhead giggled at him a bit - yes his smile was amazing. He had short hair that was just starting to grow big enough to curl into waves of red on his head. His beautiful brown eyes looked a bit tired, reddish in the corners and there were fresh dark circles under them. It seemed like it had been a while since he had a good night of sleep. The gray sweats and hoodie he was wearing covered most of his body but just accentuated this sort of defeated posture this guy had. He was really handsome but Garrett couldn't deny how tired he looked.

He seemed slightly surprised by Garrett's questions but answered it easily. "Actually I am not. I know a bit about it because this friend of mine used to make fun of me. She kept calling me a Weasley, you know, because of the-" he points at his hair, making a circular motion with his index finger.

 

"Oh, you'll have to just trust me. It is." he giggles and Andrew kept giggling right back at nearly everything Garrett said. He didn't want it to stop anytime soon. Just five minutes ago he was so anxious over ordering a drink and now he was having a light and fun conversation with this beautiful guy.

"Wait, if you don't know much about Harry Potter, then why did you order the Harry Potter drink?"

"Oh. That guy was just being a jerk for no reason. I don't know how you didn't snap at him." his words seemed genuine and Garrett was having a hard time thinking this guy would go and order something he didn't know if he'd like just because someone was being an ass to a stranger. It made him ten times more likable. How that was even possible was beyond him.

"Aw, Andrew that's so sweet! But I am used to that, some people don't like it when I'm being weird and all." It was such a normal occurrence, it would be a waste of time to defend himself every time it happened.

His order was ready and he picked it up hesitantly. He didn't want to leave yet. So he didn't.

Deciding to wait for Andrew to get his order, he just stays there, in awkward silence. He adjusts his backpack on his shoulders and sips lazily on the milky drink — which is way too sweet — while they waited. After a minute he noticed Andrew was looking at him expectantly.

"What?"

"You're not even that excited about it. You were anxious about ordering this, and now you're acting like it's just a normal drink?"

"I was not anxious!" Yes, he was. "I was just very excited! But yes. It is a damn good Frappuccino and I am glad I got it!"

That's when Andrew got his drink. "We'll see about that then, huh."

Garrett watched as the redhead took a generous sip of the sugar bomb he ordered. He prepared himself for the commentary about how sweet it was. Already caring way too much about the opinion of this guy he just barely met.

Andrew was quiet, his face twisting a little as they walked out of the coffee shop. Garrett tried to make out exactly what the shorter man's verdict was and he knew he was turning this into a dramatic thing already but as long as it was just in his head then it was fine.

Stopping suddenly, Andrew looked at him. There are streaks of gold and bronze in his hair, now illuminated by the sun and Garrett really, really, wanted to run his hands by it. His lips looked soft and full. And they looked like they would taste good. 

"Garrett?"

He was so lost daydreaming about this guy he missed what he said.

"I'm sorry, what?" He really didn't want to mess up two conversations in less than 10 minutes.

"I said I like it. I'd definitely order it again actually." The words come out between smiley lips and bright eyes and maybe Garrett really wants to kiss him. 

"You like it? Oh my god, are you serious? I was honestly just waiting for a comment like 'This is a one-way ticket to diabetes' or something along the lines of 'You could have a sugar overdose with this'. I mean, you didn't think this was just straight up unhealthily sweet?"

Andrew's face is bright red from laughing at Garrett's rambling. He wasn't even trying to be funny, this was an honest review of the drink. No one ever thought Garrett was so funny, he liked it.

After taking a few seconds to compose himself Andrew finally answers.

"You are right. It really is overly sweet but I happen to have the worst sweet tooth so this is right up my alley. I could easily drink three of these and then go for a run to feel less of a hypocrite about my health."

 

They kept walking slowly, not really paying attention to which direction they were headed. Garrett hated the heat of the summer but loved how bright everything looked during the season. The leaves on the trees, the blue sky, the yellow paint on the sidewalk. He would later add to his list he loved the bright red and gold patterns in Andrew's hair. Andrew who seemed really thoughtful for a moment. Who stopped, just for a second, as if he was deciding if he should say something or not.

He decided to say it.

"You seem like a really nice guy Garrett. Shouldn't let people be rude or mean to you just because you think you're being silly. In fact, you shouldn't even think that being excited about your interests is silly." The words came out of his mouth with ease and poise. Usually, Garrett believed people were right to find him silly - not that he would change himself for that -, but Andrew was so firm in the way he said it, that Garrett agreed with him. It was funny how a stranger stood up for him more than himself.

"And honestly, what was the deal with that guy? If you're so unhappy with your work just quit already." Then he just sounded annoyed.

"I thought the same thing! What kind of life are you living if you look that unhappy and bothered by other people, right?"

They fall into a silent agreement in the middle of small giggles, it's quiet and he didn't even know where they were going or why. All he thought was he wanted to enjoy that moment.

"So, you mentioned spending the night in a lab? What are you majoring in?" Andrew broke the silence very suddenly and Garrett took a small moment to collect himself. When did he say that? Oh right. To the jerk cashier. He remembered now. Andrew was the one that giggled at his little morning joke.

"Yeah, uh. We are doing research comparing the pathological effects of the venom of different groups of spiders and uh- It's way more complicated than that but it would take me a long time to explain and I'm already lat- Oh shoot!" how could he have forgotten. Garrett and his stupid brain. "Oh man, I am so late for this class."

He looked insane, searching around for the faster route for the building. How long had they been walking?

"Can I get your number? I need to do something to thank you for what you did today." he also wanted to talk with Andrew again, for very different reasons. But he didn't need to say it.

The other man looked a little taken back by the sudden urgency on Garret's Voice but ended up complying. He reached for the phone being held to him and quickly typed his number.

A quick glance to the number and then Garrett was the one giggling.

The number was saved under the name 'Andrew Weasley'.

"Alright Mr. Weasley I'll text you as soon as possible so I can pay for your lunch or something!" he really needed to hurry. "It was really nice meeting you!"

Garrett could hear Andrew protesting at his attempt to make up for him but he didn't pay attention to it. He would use any opportunity he got to see this sweet, handsome guy again. And okay, he really was late. He had to run. Didn't he say he wouldn't run in the heat? Shoot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed their first meet. 
> 
> I really wanted to dive into the head of Garrett and how he deals with situations where his quirks can be seen as silly by other people. We have seen his embarrassed reaction many times and he always puts on a smile so it was interesting for me to dwell on what goes on in his head during these situations even if they are very small like buying a drink at Starbucks. 
> 
> Please comment if you enjoyed it and if you are still here... Good morning!


End file.
